So you have a wad of money in your pocket and it’s a big burden on you. Â You can’t sleep at night. Â We know. Â It’s tough being uber-rich and nursing wealth-based insomnia all your life. Â As always, we’re here to help.
It’s time to untie, fire up that motor (see #1 below for the best method), and deplete your bank account with some good ole-fashioned reckless boating screw-ups.
Before you know it you’ll be throwing extraneous cash overboard to the insurance company or the marina’s repairman like so much paper jetsam. Â If you do it right, you might even earn a trip to the hospital so they can treat your wealth-induced insomnia with some strong meds and stress-relieving insurance deductibles.
Ready? Â Unbuckle your seatbelts. Â Let’s wreck it.
(ANTI) Boating Tips: 5 Awesome Ways To Wreck Your Boat
- Start The Motor Without Trimming It Down. The kids are all fighting. Â You got out of the house late. Â Go-time was an hour ago. Â The rain is now supposed to start before lunch. Â Captain disregards that pesky safety checklist. Â You know what you’re doing. Â Fire up the engine. Â Before you have time to say “Jacques Cousteau”, you’ve destroyed your outboard motor. Â You forgot to put the prop down in the water so it pushes cooling through the motor and you burned that bad boy up in no time. Â At-away, Cap. Â Burn that cash.
- Throttle While DockingÂ (Idling Is For Wusses). Â You’ve got some new passengers aboard and it is time to impress. Â Sit back, new friends, and enjoy the ride. Â The manual said put it in gear decisively. Â You take that to mean “as-far-as-it-will-go” decisively. Â You by-pass idle and spin out quick. Â Only problem is the two fine fellows in the aluminum fishing boat just happen to pop out from behind the house-boat and reverse won’t undo things quite fast enough. Â It’s time to pay for some professional GelCoat application.
- Go Fast All The Time. Â My brother and I once visited an aunt who lived on a long, straight country road and we took our bikes. Â We were hot-wheeling it. Â My aunt was interrupted from her romance novel one June afternoon by her scraped-up nephews asking for nursing. Â “We ran head-on into each other,” we explained Â The look of marvel on her face was worthy of an award. Â She looked out the front door and the only thing visible for a literal country mile was our two bikes crumpled up in the middle of the road. Â It was an accident of dizzying improbabilities. Â “I thought he was going to turn,” we both said, sniffling. Â “Do either of you have brakes?” aunt replied. Â Good point. We saw the wisdom in it now. Â Happens on the lake more than you might think. Â You figured the other guy was going to turn or slow down. Â Sideswiping is a barrel of laughs and puts a hole in your pocket and your pride. Â Keep it up, Cap.
- Stay On TheÂ SunnyÂ Shallow Side. Â On-the-water training such as you get with a boat club membership will clue you into some tidbits that would keep you sitting on that wad of cash. Â But, determined to impoverish yourself, you skip the training. Â Therefore you don’t know that the underwater terrain usually follows the above-water terrain. Â The trained boaters stay toward the side of the lake with the higher embankments because the water is deeper on that side. Â They must not have any money. Â You’re skimming along on the side with the flat bank and you put a propeller-sized gash in the sand-bar. Â Good propellers are not cheap. Â It’s all about cash flow. Â And cash is flowing.
- Disregard Capacity Labels. Â You like to throw a good party. Â And good parties are big parties. Â Your initial guest list grew a tad and your 11-person capacity vessel is now carrying 16 persons, none of whom are children. Â You’re keeping everybody cool at top velocity and more than half of your party is up toward the front, catching that awesome breeze. Â Captain Cool, that’s your name. Â Your over-laden boat crosses a wake, the front lip catches under the surface and the whole thing flips over. Â Everybody is wet, but OK. Your boat has an interesting new angle to it. Â If you’re lucky, someone puts it on YouTube so your insurance company can count heads and reject your claim based on your overloading the boat. Â That was fun, wasn’t it? Â Flippin awesome.
How about some other great ways to wreck your boat and spend some money? Â Let us know in the comments.
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